|Grandma with a couple of her boys last summer!|
First was the personal, intimate, private knowledge that there was a microscopic human growing inside my body. Of course I shared the news with my (then) husband as soon as I knew or even thought I might be pregnant. But there was a time, however brief, when it was my secret. The only people aware of what was happening inside my body were God and me. Even the baby could not have been cognizant of his or her own presence at that point of gestation. Something had changed. Something was happening. And that something would eventually begin to show on the outside.
I am feeling that same sensation now. It's in its earliest stages, but I know something is going on inside. No one else can see the changes yet, but I can. It's been just over four weeks since I've climbed back into the weight loss wagon. I'm down seven pounds from where I started this time, and down sixteen pounds from my all-time high of two years ago. As I mentioned before, I can wear my wedding band again. I fit into a few pairs of pants that had gotten too tight and uncomfortable to wear. The clothes I've worn in recent months are getting noticeably looser on me. And every outward sign I see and feel just confirms what's going on inside.
Yesterday I started thinking about the kinds of clothes I want to wear a year from now, and I started getting excited. I adore Coldwater Creek (http://www.coldwatercreek.com/). Their clothes are classic and classy, and that's how I want to dress and look. So I've started saving pictures of the kinds of dresses, skirts, tops, and slacks/jeans I want to wear. I will look at them frequently to keep the image of my future self in front of my eyes. I spent too many years believing the lies in my head. The voices that told me over and over again that I was fat and ugly. That no one would ever love me because I was fat. That told me I was disgusting. I am finally realizing I am more than how much I weigh.
I told someone very dear to me today, You are a beautiful, intelligent, compassionate, loving woman. A loving wife and mother, and a valuable, hard-working employee. Your body is something that serves you, and something you DO have the ability to change. But it doesn't define you. The woman you are on the inside is WHO you are. I think I was saying it as much to myself as I was to her. For most of my life this kind of thinking has been foreign to me. I filtered everything, and I mean everything, through the lens of my weight. I assumed that people would immediately and negatively judge me based on my size. That kind of thinking is debilitating.
The fact is, I am a kind person. I am loving. Funny. Perceptive. Intelligent. Attractive (that one is still difficult to say). And I'm sexy (my kids will cringe). I'm a great many things that have nothing whatsoever to do with the number that appears on the scale when I step on it.
So, yeah. I'm pregnant. I have a new person growing on the inside and shrinking on the outside. And before long, that outside woman will match the inside woman. She'll feel good! She'll be fit and healthy. She'll be amazed at what she's accomplished. She'll look for opportunities to help others who are struggling as she has done. And best of all, she's going to look amazing and wear some really nice clothes!
Until next time . . .