Inside all of us who fight the battle of our own bulge, is the thin self aching to be free. 
I have heard morbidly obese people on talk shows espouse their self love and self acceptance, while knowing in myself that the truth is they hate their physical condition, and deep down fear they can never change. More than likely this belief comes from countless failed attempts to rid themselves of excess weight. I get it. There is nothing so frustrating as continuing to live in a body that holds you captive and keeps you from living the kind of life about which you have only dreamed.
I have heard morbidly obese people on talk shows espouse their self love and self acceptance, while knowing in myself that the truth is they hate their physical condition, and deep down fear they can never change. More than likely this belief comes from countless failed attempts to rid themselves of excess weight. I get it. There is nothing so frustrating as continuing to live in a body that holds you captive and keeps you from living the kind of life about which you have only dreamed.
I am now fifty-five years old, and I have been at war with my body for forty-five years. Since the age of ten, I have had to wrestle with two versions of me, the ideal me and the me I see in the mirror. And with every passing year, the reflected me has grown stronger and more oppressive in an attempt to silence the hidden me. There must be a way to free her. If one person can do it, then so can I. And daily we see proof of those who have succeeded in escaping prisons of their own making.
In my heart of hearts I believe the answer is in finding balance. Spiritual. Emotional. Nutritional. Physical. Balance. The $64,000 question is this: after so many years, where do I begin? And that is simply the beginning of an avalanche of questions that follow. How do I do it? Who do I believe when there are so many conflicting opinions on nutrition and weight loss? Why haven't I been able to change in all these years despite my desire to do so? What is wrong with me? Is it too late? The questions circle my brain and spin faster and faster, leaving me confused, frustrated, and waist-deep in self loathing, which is completely counter productive.
How do I see myself as worth the investment of the time and energy (not to mention the pain and discomfort) required to release the me held captive for decades? For every voice in my head that whispers You're a good person or You are pretty, there are myriad voices screaming You are a failure! You are a LOSER! You'll never get the weight off. You're too far gone.
I went out on a limb this week. After checking occasionally over the past few months, I discovered that Extreme Weight Loss (on ABC) has begun casting for Season 6. In fact, the day I checked this week, is the very day that the process began. I was home alone, and I perused the show's website, and the next thing I knew, I was filling out the preregistration. The open casting calls are a long way from where I live, so I won't be able to get to one, which leaves me with having to make an audition video, and send it in by the first week of March. I'll keep you posted on my progress. But what does any of this have to do with balance?
I feel as though I am so far OUT of balance that I will need to do something drastic to find a place of equilibrium for the rest of my life. Believe me, the thought of doing what it takes to achieve the change I desire is overwhelming and frightening. Having the help and support of someone who has helped others like me chisel themselves out of their prisons of fat, would be the gift of a lifetime. What I long for is to live in my body and not be at war with myself. In fact, what I really long for is to stop thinking so much about ME! Self-centeredness is not always thinking how superior you are; for millions, there is a constant mental ticker tape scrolling through the mind announcing that others are negatively judging you, or reminding you to compare yourself to any random thin person with the understanding that you are a failure and they are winners.
I'm not foolish enough to believe that I am the most deserving of any person who applies to Chris and Heidi Powell for their help. Nor do I believe it's likely I will be selected for the show. This is as long a shot as it can be. But somewhere along the way, I hope they hear my heart, and give me a chance to become the inspiration I know I can be. I have to believe that by the grace of God and with the help of the Powell Pack, I can achieve my lifelong dream, and chisel my way out of the prison in which I've been living for over forty years.
Until next time . . .
I went out on a limb this week. After checking occasionally over the past few months, I discovered that Extreme Weight Loss (on ABC) has begun casting for Season 6. In fact, the day I checked this week, is the very day that the process began. I was home alone, and I perused the show's website, and the next thing I knew, I was filling out the preregistration. The open casting calls are a long way from where I live, so I won't be able to get to one, which leaves me with having to make an audition video, and send it in by the first week of March. I'll keep you posted on my progress. But what does any of this have to do with balance?
I feel as though I am so far OUT of balance that I will need to do something drastic to find a place of equilibrium for the rest of my life. Believe me, the thought of doing what it takes to achieve the change I desire is overwhelming and frightening. Having the help and support of someone who has helped others like me chisel themselves out of their prisons of fat, would be the gift of a lifetime. What I long for is to live in my body and not be at war with myself. In fact, what I really long for is to stop thinking so much about ME! Self-centeredness is not always thinking how superior you are; for millions, there is a constant mental ticker tape scrolling through the mind announcing that others are negatively judging you, or reminding you to compare yourself to any random thin person with the understanding that you are a failure and they are winners.
I'm not foolish enough to believe that I am the most deserving of any person who applies to Chris and Heidi Powell for their help. Nor do I believe it's likely I will be selected for the show. This is as long a shot as it can be. But somewhere along the way, I hope they hear my heart, and give me a chance to become the inspiration I know I can be. I have to believe that by the grace of God and with the help of the Powell Pack, I can achieve my lifelong dream, and chisel my way out of the prison in which I've been living for over forty years.
Until next time . . .
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