Ripping off the bandage

 Tuesday, September, 22, 2020

I'm here to rip off the bandage. To confess the way an alcoholic steps in front of a roomful of people at an AA meting and says, "My name is . . . and I'm an alcoholic." Well, my name is Michele Moore, and I have gained back better than 20 of the 73 pounds I had lost. And why? Because I turned my back on doing what I had been doing since 2017 that worked and felt virtually effortless. I reached for foods that were, for all intents and purposes, poison to me, and I shoved them into my mouth like I didn't care. The conundrum is, I did care, but I surrendered the self-control and long-term benefits to momentary pleasure followed by guilt, shame, and self-loathing.

In the program I had embraced to lose all that weight, the majority of followers believe themselves to be food addicts or specifically sugar and/or flour addicts. But I chafe at the term addict when it comes to me. I don't embrace that term. I don't accept that label. But what am I if I continually return to detrimental behavior that makes me feel like a prisoner? What am I if I often feel as though I do what I do not want to do?

Romans 7:15, 18-19 says, "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing." If the Apostle Paul experienced this same torment of the soul, then I am in good company.

The plan I followed, Bright Line Eating or BLE, is highly structured, which is why it worked so well for me. Adhering to the four dictates-no sugar, no flour, 3-meals a day (no snacking), and weighed and measured quantities of protein, veggies, fruit, grains, and fat-became automatic. In fact, the term automaticity is used often among the devotees of BLE. Eating this way over time became a habit. I experienced the feeling of effortlessness in the midst of living and eating in such a disciplined manner. Does that sound like an oxymoron? That following a stringently structured path leads to feeling peacefully free? Yet, it is true. So, why have I strayed at all, much less in such a big way? That's the million dollar question. 

I don't call myself an addict. Yet, without adhering to a strict abstinence policy around food, I seem to fall prey to the lure of what BLE calls, NMF (Not My Food). In fact, in the vast lexicon of BLE, that lure is attributed to the saboteur, that niggling voice that taunts us with thoughts of eating off plan.

As a believer, a born-again, Spirit-filled believer in the Lord Jesus, I believe there isn't anything I cannot overcome with God's help. That in Him is the solution for every problem or issue. So my saboteur uses that very thing, my faith, to continue to whisper to me that I should be able to overcome this with God's help, not a plan some person came up with. Yet, couldn't God have led me to this plan, knowing it was the very thing that would help me get where I want to go? Why should I feel like I'm not being a truly faithful Christian if I can't do this with "just me and God"?

It's time to return to the mothership, as BLE founder, Dr. Susan Peirce Thompson is fond of saying when referring to Bright Line Eating.  In fact, another one of the many acronyms bright life folks like to use is JFTFP. Just follow the freaking (or fabulous, or another F-word I loathe) plan. All I have to do is follow the plan as it is laid out, and it will work. Of that I have no doubt. Zero! That's what I did for months, and the results were unprecedented. And that was when I was post menopausal, and barely over two and a half years post cancer diagnosis and treatment. It works. It really and truly works. And I hate that I have regained ANY weight. I do, however, acknowledge and honor the fact that I still weigh 50 pounds less than when I started in 2017, and 65 pounds less than when I was at my highest weight. That fact is nothing short of miraculous for me and my 50+ year history of battling my body.

So, tomorrow morning, I will weight myself to know my restarting point. I will chronicle this journey. I will do this for ME. Yes, my husband will be happy, but I have to give myself the love and care I need before I run out of time and opportunity to do it. And tomorrow, I will eat only and exactly
what is on the plan for me to eat. 

And here's where my faith can come into the fight. I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me (Philippians 4:13), and all things are possible for him or her that believes (Mark 9:23). I will not be ashamed of a (wo)man-made tool that I can use to achieve the goals that I have held in my heart all my life. What I do, I do by the grace of God. And I will not entertain the temptation to feel ashamed of myself for failing again. Shame is a filthy, ugly thing that clouds our vision and distracts our focus. No. it is what it is. This is where I am today, but this is NOT where I have to stay for the rest of my life.

Until tomorrow . . .